I lost a friend yesterday, in a irredeemable way. That is to say, I have no intention of wanting to repair this friendship. I went through a kind of... slew of emotions about it at first, not really knowing if I was happy or angry about all that happened.
That evening, a friend of mine called. He's currently going through a very difficult custody case over his son, so we had a long heart-to-heart, and I ended up telling him what had happened in detail. What he said to me was the defining advice that sorted my head out.
Him:
Okay, so you're angry, or upset. Either one. Why, exactly, are you feeling like that?
Me:
Well, I guess because of wasted time, really.
Him:
Wasted how?
Me:
Well, I wasted time being his friend, and wasted even more time trying to get my other friends, who never really got along with him, to accept and like him too.
Him:
Ah, now that is what you need to remember. Whenever people lose a friend, they go through mourning over that loss... but you need to remember that in your case, you aren't mourning the loss of the friend, but the loss of the time you spent upon them. If in the future you meet him again, and find yourself thinking 'Okay, yeah, now that we're both here, I guess I did kind of miss you', remember that it's not his lack of presence that ever made you feel like there was a gap in your life, merely that gap left by the wasting of your time. Next time, you'll be more careful.
Okay, so you're angry, or upset. Either one. Why, exactly, are you feeling like that?
Me:
Well, I guess because of wasted time, really.
Him:
Wasted how?
Me:
Well, I wasted time being his friend, and wasted even more time trying to get my other friends, who never really got along with him, to accept and like him too.
Him:
Ah, now that is what you need to remember. Whenever people lose a friend, they go through mourning over that loss... but you need to remember that in your case, you aren't mourning the loss of the friend, but the loss of the time you spent upon them. If in the future you meet him again, and find yourself thinking 'Okay, yeah, now that we're both here, I guess I did kind of miss you', remember that it's not his lack of presence that ever made you feel like there was a gap in your life, merely that gap left by the wasting of your time. Next time, you'll be more careful.
After running the words over in my head, I realised he was right.
This might not be the case for every lost friendship, but it certainly is for this one. After talking more with him, and with Jenn, I realised that neither me nor most of my close friends will really be hugely affected by this. We've still all got each other, and that will never change. THAT is what is important, and THAT is why, despite my lost time, I don't regret or mourn what has happened anymore.
Another good friend gave me this little tidbit of advice today:
Cutting the dead wood off the tree doesn't kill the tree... It just makes it stronger. More beautiful. With more room to grow.
The friends I do still have I wouldn't trade for the world. I love you guys <3
I hope this advice hits home with some of you. DFTBA <3
