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Sharing some good advice

Wed Oct 12, 2011, 5:25 AM
I received some very good advice from a friend last night, and I wanted to share it, as I'm sure some of you will find use in it just as I have.


I lost a friend yesterday, in a irredeemable way. That is to say, I have no intention of wanting to repair this friendship. I went through a kind of... slew of emotions about it at first, not really knowing if I was happy or angry about all that happened.

That evening, a friend of mine called. He's currently going through a very difficult custody case over his son, so we had a long heart-to-heart, and I ended up telling him what had happened in detail. What he said to me was the defining advice that sorted my head out.



Him:
Okay, so you're angry, or upset. Either one. Why, exactly, are you feeling like that?

Me:
Well, I guess because of wasted time, really.

Him:
Wasted how?

Me:
Well, I wasted time being his friend, and wasted even more time trying to get my other friends, who never really got along with him, to accept and like him too.

Him:
Ah, now that is what you need to remember. Whenever people lose a friend, they go through mourning over that loss... but you need to remember that in your case, you aren't mourning the loss of the friend, but the loss of the time you spent upon them. If in the future you meet him again, and find yourself thinking 'Okay, yeah, now that we're both here, I guess I did kind of miss you', remember that it's not his lack of presence that ever made you feel like there was a gap in your life, merely that gap left by the wasting of your time. Next time, you'll be more careful.





After running the words over in my head, I realised he was right.

This might not be the case for every lost friendship, but it certainly is for this one. After talking more with him, and with Jenn, I realised that neither me nor most of my close friends will really be hugely affected by this. We've still all got each other, and that will never change. THAT is what is important, and THAT is why, despite my lost time, I don't regret or mourn what has happened anymore.


Another good friend gave me this little tidbit of advice today:

Cutting the dead wood off the tree doesn't kill the tree... It just makes it stronger. More beautiful. With more room to grow.




The friends I do still have I wouldn't trade for the world. I love you guys <3


I hope this advice hits home with some of you. DFTBA <3

  • Mood: Compassion
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:iconkey-to-darkness:
key-to-darkness Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2011
I lost someone who I thought was a sister, like a soul mate to me about a year ago... Every day I think about her... But not in a bad way. I came to realize over time, as I'm sure you will too, that I am so much happier now... My life is just so much better. I don't regret it at all. Sometimes you have to end beautiful things to bring about the more beautiful things in life.
Reply
:iconacinarret:
Acinarret Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2011
That is really good advice, and I think it helps me understand a lot more of the friendships that went sour in the past for me too. I didn't miss the person, so much as all the years I could have spent finding my own path and happier things.

Thank you KellyJane for posting this.
Reply
:iconwolvesofzelda:
wolvesofzelda Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2011
i lost a friend who i was with since we where 5. we were like sisters, it feels like i lost a whole side of my family. i cant see them anymore, yet ive been with them for so long. thank you for the advice. and tell your friend thank you for us all.
Reply
:iconkatana987:
Katana987 Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2011  Hobbyist
Thank you so much for sharing this with everyone. It really made me think -hugs-
Reply
:iconspectralpolkadot:
spectralpolkadot Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2011
I just had my life completely turned upside down out of the blue from a lost friendship. It hurt me quite a bit and I couldn't figure out why. Thanks a lot for this. It helped immensely and I can now see that I am in a much better much happier place and trimming that person away was just what I needed to bloom. DFTBA indeed : )
Reply
:iconalyssamrsriku:
alyssamrsriku Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2011
kelly u just made my day :)
Reply
:icongurlow:
Gurlow Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2011
sound words indeed mrs kelly
Reply
:icontruthischaos:
TruthIsChaos Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2011
:O this was EXACTLY what my friend needed. I shall quote you.
Reply
:iconlovelydelusions:
LovelyDelusions Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I needed this, Kelly. Thank you for sharing this.
Reply
:icongir2898:
GIR2898 Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2011
wow, this make me feel like bullshit. I am the one who thinks 'just wait they will come back' but i always find no matter how long i wait, no matter how much i hope, i am simply the hated little bitch in my grade. I lose more friends than i can usually handle and when i lose a friend another wall keeps me from making more. i am a stubborn ass bitch who just wants the riticule to end, why doesn't anyone see that if i say sometihng stupid or do something of the sort they just don't go making my life a living hell. fuck that thought i have been living in hell since my dad left and married that island whore...sorry, bad year, lost two relatives that were really close and i sometimes rant to random people. if you would please not be pissed at me posting this...
Reply
:iconvermilionfoxninja:
VermilionFoxninja Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
I have recently gone through something like this too.
Its good to know It doesn't happen to just me :meow:
Reply
:iconlexxilea93:
LexxiLea93 Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2011  Student Digital Artist
This actually made me cry a little bit. : (

I'm going through/just got over something very much similar.
I was friend with a girl since 5th grade (now in 12th) and like in your situation, none of my friends really liked her, well the past year or two things started to go downhill, until finally an incident happened that basically ended the friendship for good.

As of late I've been really sad about this thinking that I miss her a bit or just miss the fact that we shared a lot of good memories/interests, thinking about the advice your friend gave you makes a lot of sense and seems like a possible cause of my sadness.

Thank you for sharing this, it really hit home.
Reply
:iconlexxilea93:
LexxiLea93 Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2011  Student Digital Artist
did hit home**
Reply
:icongrellbastcell:
Grellbastcell Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2011
Thanks for posting this! Reading that advice helped me with my own friend problems. This really helped a lot.
Reply
:iconsoundslikejuice:
Soundslikejuice Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2011  Student General Artist
wow...i just recently had this hapeen to me but with my whole friendship group.....i was really torn up..and i guess i didn't think about it in this way...and there have been time since that i've felt that i've just wanted to pretend nothing happened but you're right it's the wasted time and effort that i spend on them that i want back..not them..thanks
Reply
:iconnamine911:
Namine911 Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2011
thank you so much! i really needed that! I lost four friends last night over a rumor of me being a "lesbian" and they all dont wanna be around me now, I couldnt understand my heart break... but that advice.. helped me so much!!!
Reply
:iconcheeselovingchester:
CheeseLovingChester Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I'm gonna have to read that a couple of times over so as to actually understand.. :P
Reply
:iconcheeselovingchester:
CheeseLovingChester Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
And now I have, and he was very very right, that's an excellent piece of advice!
Reply
:iconaxelsflameofdoom:
Axelsflameofdoom Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2011
this is actually true. i was ticked at my best friend for a whole year and said i wanted no part of her friendship nd on new years we were friends again nd we hung out everywhere then...
Reply
:iconkh-lover15:
kh-lover15 Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2011
Wow, that is some really good advice.
I lost a friendship a few years ago.
This really helped.
Thank you.
Reply
:iconchild-of-the-tardis:
Child-Of-The-Tardis Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2011
What do you do though if one of your best friends starts forgetting about you and instead spends all his time with his girlfriend? Particularly when he forgets about a medical problem that yu've been moaning about for seven years? Cos I caould really use some advice on that...
Reply
:icongigglygreenfairy:
gigglygreenfairy Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2011
*mindblown* whoa thasts so true that pretty much sums up the couple of friendships iv lost recently thanks kelly ^^
Reply
:iconnaids:
Naids Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2011
Great advice! It's really helped with a situation I am going through at the moment. Thank you for posting this Kelly! :)
Reply
:iconcuriousstraydog:
CuriousStraydog Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Wow, that is such good advice. I actually saw an old friend while I was at work tonight and we just got started being friends again after a lot of damage was done to our friendship and if more damage is done and I end up ever losing her, and wasting quite a bit of time in my life over it, I'll remember your advice! Thanks so much! :heart:
Reply
:iconmiasaurusrex90:
MiasaurusRex90 Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2011  Hobbyist Artist
Thank you for posting this, I recently went through a similar situation a few weeks ago, and it was my decision to end the relationship for numerous reasons, and everyone was applauding me for it and telling me that that I did the right thing, but I felt like I had wasted the last two years of my life, and that honestly depressed me. I honestly hate losing friends, but this one wasn't worth keeping, they just used me to their advantage because I am generally a nice person and if someone asks me for a favor I generally do it without complaining and everything, it just got out of hand.
Reply
:iconlarxaxvexrox:
LarxAxVexRox Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
What wonderful wisdom that pertains to my own life as well. Thank you so much for sharing.
Reply
:iconokami-yasha16:
Okami-Yasha16 Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2011  Student General Artist
That is so true! I never even knew that was the actual case in that matter. THAT IS BEAUTIFUL WISDOM RIGHT THAR. Thanks for sharing. :3
Reply
:iconphuzzaphobia:
Phuzzaphobia Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2011
It's so interesting you mention this because a friend of mine and I were talking today about our ex friends and how while we would never go back into that relationship with them again but we missed the times we had with them... This is actually really strong advice, and it really hit home for me. Thank you so much.
Reply
:iconhyiian:
Hyiian Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2011
Wow... this helps me see a lot now! My ex gf and I got into it and it wasn't pretty. Now she wants me back as a friend but she refuses to apologize for anything she has done. I haven't taken her back at all and this right here means I'm doing the right thing. Thank you. <3
Reply
:iconzexia8:
Zexia8 Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2011
Awww!~ It's good to know that you have good friends that care alot about you and would help you in any situation you have!~
Reply
:iconroselove19:
RoseLove19 Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2011
I'm going though the same thing with a friend of mine that I don't really care much about. I'm sure you'll be happyer and mostly less stressful. Have an awesome coming weekend even if you're not doing much.
Reply
:iconsyrinxion:
SyrinXion Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2011  Student Photographer
Where does he get his wisdom from? Cuz it's really beautiful <3 You're so lucky to have great friends like that, I'm glad he helped you identify what exactly you were mourning over. :]
Keep going strong! <3
Reply
:iconnatkh97:
NatKH97 Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2011  Student Filmographer
the words of wisdom! this has helped me so much with a problem i had with one of my friends! tell him that he is a genious!!! xx
Reply
:iconuptothem:
UpToThem Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2011  Student General Artist
It's unfortunate that what is a 'friendship in progress" becomes nothing when you need it to matter. And when you realise that you have infact wasted your time, energy and effort on somthing that will never work, you feel bummed and you learn to let people show you more of who they are...
Reply
:icontai-chi-chan:
tai-chi-chan Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
thanks for posting this i am kind of going through the same situation and that really helps :)
Reply
:iconjkanime:
JkAnime Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2011
It makes so much sense and I must admit that it really is causing me to think differently.
Thank-you for posting the advice in your journal.
Reply
:iconauntileli:
AuntiLeli Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
Indeed, your friend did give you good advice!
I believe that people come into and out of our lives for reasons we can't always immediately see. As you ponder this friendship, and the loss of it, try to sort out what lesson there is to be learned from it all. Perhaps it was his turn to learn and you were the instrument he needed to receive his lesson.
I wish you continued peace with this situation and am glad you are surrounded by wonderful supportive friends who have your best interest at heart.
Much love from a stranger =-)
Reply
:iconmidnightsdeath:
MidnightsDeath Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I wish that i could just do that but its not friends its family im dealing with how lucky you must be Kelly to have a family that loves each other. Me and my sister cant stand the sight of each other and my great uncles girlfriend and my grandma wont stop fighting. I wish i could just cut one loose and fix everything but it wont work :(
Reply
:iconmemorystorm4:
MemoryStorm4 Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2011
That is good advice...
Reply
:iconcodegeasscontrol:
codegeasscontrol Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2011
Thanks for the advice. I myself am in the middle of ending a friendship, and it's hard. But this helps quite a bit. I do see how it feels like a i wasted some time on this friendship, most of it worrying over the fact that she might get mad at me and in the end make ME feel like the bad guy. But, when all is said and done, it will make me stronger.
Reply
:iconaphbalticsestonia:
APHbalticsEstonia Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2011  Student General Artist
That's good advice. I should probably use that.
Reply
:iconmerrr16:
merrr16 Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2011
really really good advice and i must thank you for sharing this cause it open my eyes. for you see i have a bit of a friend problem but now i believe i can handle it.
Reply
:iconblackkatt94:
blackkatt94 Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2011
that is amazing advice, and really makes me grateful to have the friends i do have. People come and go in life whether on bad terms or not, we all just have to accept the time that passed with them as just time. Whether the friends stick around for longer periods of time than others really says you have a good friend. <3 I love my two best friends on opposite sides of the country. Your note made me very grateful I've got to spend the time i did with them. thank you.
Reply
:icontwinsofawesomeness:
TwinsOfAwesomeness Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2011  Student Writer
BUT WHAT IF I'M THE DEAD WOOD?!? lol XD
That is actually amazing advice... Keeping that in mind will probably help with the break-up and resulting friend loss that i've gone through recently.
However, there is definitely time that I don't regret, that I don't view as wasted. If that person was in your life, hopefully you gained something positive from their company, and maybe even have some great memories with them. The reason we lose friends is usually simply because neither of us is a source of positivity or amiable feelings within the other's life.
Anyway, thank you <3 tell your friend we all appreciate his advice!
Reply
:iconmourningsoulxiii:
mourningsoulXIII Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2011  Student General Artist
I had something like that happen a few years ago. It took me until some what recently, like a few months ago, to realize what your friend told you. You're lucky to have a wonderful friend that can give you such great advice. I'm glad everything is still going smooth for you and everyone else. :)
Reply
:icon19darkknight87:
19darkknight87 Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
You have great friends. I mean, to be able to help put things in perspective like that. I'm pretty sure everyone has gone through this, having a friend that you want to get along with your other friends. It doesn't work sometimes, there's talk behind each others backs. You just have to know when it's over. Plus, life's too short to stress about this kind of stuff. If there were problems that couldn't be resolved, then you're very limited on choices, y'know ^_^
Reply
:iconroxas-super-fangirl:
roxas-super-fangirl Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2011  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Wow that is some awesome advice. I had some issues about two years ago and I still will think about them and get upset. I think this will really help me move on from it. Thanks :)
Reply
:icon9taileduke:
9TailedUKE Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Woooow. It doesn't exactly hit home. But it's in the ball park.
I recently lost a good friend too. And I had no idea how to feel about it either..

This was.. Epiphany inducing. Thank you very much.

And, you have really good friends.
Reply
:iconkimmy-the-taconator:
Kimmy-The-TacoNator Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You're just a hearty person. You're so full of heart. <3 I've gone through this so many times I have only 2 real friends. I hope.. Time will tell I suppose..
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:iconrizafan203:
Rizafan203 Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I can slightly relate to the case of losing such a friend. Even though it was a case of having to look at the person and go, "...I don't know why I thought there was sanity there." Even though it ended in case of a friend telling the individual how she herself felt about the individual. For it then to end up hitting me in the face later through some rambling Offline Yahoo IM the person later Noted me on here.

There are people we consider the close friends in our lives, and then there are those that you meet and think, "Yeah, they're cool"...until something comes along that makes you realize, "You're just...you." kind of peoples.

Some months back I had shrugged off a friend I had known in H.S. which then later lead into some awkward run in at a Con. this Summer here in the U.S., let's just say, when you're friends w/the shrugged off one. And you don't give the shrugged off one the same "Hey, how are you!?" as the others...it leads to awkward tension. Slowly I've been rebuilding the friendship back w/shrugged off person. Even to the point of hesitation to go out and hang out of worry of how my Mom will react. Even if I'm in my 20s...still gotta deal w/the awkwardness of the Mother figure getting into the life.
Aside from my rambling, sounds like you got some sound advice.

Sometimes, its better to let go then to just hold on to it all and just beat yourself up over what has happened. Some friends grow with and some grow by the wayside and leave.
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